Ponderings about my past....

Do you ever wonder why people have to go through such miserable times? I wonder.

I ponder why I lost a child at 23 1/2 weeks gestation. I ponder why I went on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy after that. Then I wonder why I had 3 miscarriages after 3 healthy pregnancies and one that went awry. Thankfully, I have another brand new daughter to show for all of those pregnancies that I had to suffer (but in all likelihood I still suffer from time to time).

I also have to wonder why these sweet little babies ever have to suffer. Why did C end up in the hospital after I had her? Why did my 4th miracle baby have to suffer like she did for a week until we found out what was wrong with her? I also wonder why a seasoned mother like myself did not connect the dots the week she was home with me? I should have known that her cry was not normal (or that she did not really cry at all). I should have known why she was shaking and tired and having to take breaks while breast-feeding. Why did I not connect the dots? I wonder what was wrong with my thinking? Now she is healthy, but I wish she did not have to suffer from the anemia when she was home for the first week of her life. Yeah, she would have still gotten the fever and ended up in the hospital anyway for her urinary reflux, but she could have gotten iron sooner and felt better.

I also wonder why I do not pester these doctors that don't know anything until you relay the information to them and then they can figure it out. I also wonder why when they see something like amniotic fluid that is low in the 2nd trimester, why they don't send you to another specialist. I found the information on the internet for CRYING OUT LOUD. Why did he not tell me the specifics and that my Jeremiah would die? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why did I not ask anymore questions about it when I found the information on the internet? I am sure there was nothing we could have done to save him, but why did I not try to save him? Why did I not think that it couldn't happen to me? Why am I still suffering after all of these years? You would think after 4 1/2 years I would have gotten over him, but I guess you never get over losing your own child.

I hope that I will never have to live through another death of one of my babies. God has his reasons, but heck if I know what they are. I just keep living in the day to day trying to figure them out.

I also ponder why I cannot be happy. Yeah, I had a baby die and 3 miscarriages, but I have a loving wonderful husband and 4 other kids to be happy for. I have a house, (which many do not), I have a job (which many do not), and I have food on the table for my family to eat. I don't know, I guess I just struggle in the day to day because I have sooo many things going on. I have a full-time job (work at home job), I have kids in school, I have a newborn who wakes up at night, I am a housewife, I have a 3-year-old and a newborn at home while trying to work, oh and yeah my husband goes to school full-time and is never home, but hey I should be happy for my life. I am out of the heck of a life I had before with an abusive father and a mother who ignored everything he did to me. I am out of having to worry day in and day out if today is the day that I am going to get hit, punched, kicked in the ribs, ribs broken, head cracked open, bruises on the side of my ears, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and any kind of abuse you can name. I have had many years of suffering and sooo I guess I should be happy that I am out of that life and into this life with my wonderful husband and kids. Soon I hope to find happines and try and forget the past. I must live in the present, not in the past or the future.