Still sad 4 years after Jeremiah's death.

So I like this blog thing.

I have found some really comforting blogs. The thing that makes me wonder is why there are so many that have lost a child? I cannot help but think of Jeremiah every time I read one of these stories. I cannot believe the faith that so many have had with the loss of their child. I remember being mad at God at first and then being thankful. I am thankful because through a rough time some people split up and his loss actually made my husband and me closer. Is this messed up? I think it was God's way of saying "love each other no matter what." I still feel myself sad after so many years. I have a cross with my mother in laws brother's initials on it. She lost her brother to stillbirth and had Jeremiah's initials put next to his on the back of it. It is beautiful. It is in the hallway between the kids rooms, so that they can be looking over them at all times. I have a tree that is planted in the backyard that is "his" tree. I have little reminders of him all over the house. I have a blanket on top of our cupboards in the kitchen. I still look at his shelf with so many clothes, a stuffed elephant, pictures, and a blanket my friend made for him. I want to put his picture on this blog, but he did not look very good when he was born, he was beautiful. I am going to put it up one of these days. I have to have my husband scan it it first though. He had a lot of extra skin around his face because he was so early. I could not and still cannot believe with 23 1/2 weeks inside of me how much he had developed.

My son still asks me why he cannot have a brother. He really wants a brother. I wish so bad that I could have Jeremiah back and give him the brother he so wanted and wants. It is horrible the suffering that I still feel because of him. No parent should have to go through this, but I have found many that do.

The thing for me is the answers. I still have no answers to why he died. Is it the thalassemia that my youngest may have? Was it Potter's syndrome because the amniotic fluid was low? Was it the umbilical cord that was flat when he was born or was that caused by the fluid being too low? The thing is I did not get an autopsy because we did not think it could happen again. I so wish we would have gotten that. I want answers. I also would like answers to why I have miscarried 3 other times before my youngest was born. I would like to know if what happened to him is the same reason why I miscarried the 3 other times.

I put up a letter on the side bar that I wrote to him to have the priest read at his funeral. It is just thoughts that I had at the time. My family all cried at his funeral, but I was numb. I could not cry and I don't know why. Maybe it was all of the crying I did the nights that I had leading up to the funeral. Maybe it was knowing he was with God. Maybe it was all of the suffering I would still feel years later. If I could change the no tears at his funeral I would. I looked like I didn't care. I did care. I still care. I will forever care.

I started this blog as a way to express my feelings. Some days are better than others. I will get to a better happier post (and pictures) about my 4th of July visit with family and friends ... but that will come another day. This has been on my mind lately.