Big appointment tomorrow.

Jeremiah's story will be continued on another day.

C's big doctor's appointment is tomorrow.
I don't know what to think.  I know it will be a sleepless night tonight.
But does her appointment really change our lives?  This past year she has been so healthy.
I cannot imagine if she does have thalassemia that it will be much different.
She may need blood transfusions every now and again if she has it.  I really in my heart do not feel like she has the 4 gene thalassemia that would mean transfusions weekly.  At her 9 month checkup she did not have evidence of anemia and has not had the same paleness or fatigue she had that put her in the hospital at 1 week.

I guess the part that scares me the most is that if she has it, we have to go through genetic counseling if we want more kids.  I know we are crazy for having as many as we do, but I have had my heart set on 6.  I don't know if I will ever get that or not with miscarriages and with Jeremiah's stillbirth.  I don't know what feeling I will feel when I know I am done.  I wish I was one of those people that wishes she could feel done.  I wonder if I did have that boy that I did not get if I would feel done.  My son always asks me for a brother.  It hurts.

I am also scared for her upcoming urology appointments too.  She got stuck 3 times on Saturday to get the blood for the thalassemia test.  She was 1 week old when they did the dye study for the urinary reflux.  Sugarwater on a pacifier was my best friend then.  I wonder how they do it for a squirmy 1 year old that does not like to be held down?  I don't think my heart can handle seeing her in pain or being held down to do the study.  I guess they do babies a lot and they know how to do it.  Even the renal ultrasound sounds difficult to me.  Oh well, I guess I should have faith in God that we will survive and tests will turn out as they should.

I have another EEG and MRI to try and figure out the brain damage and if that is the reason for my surgery.  I don't know if I will ever come to terms at the reason I found out for the brain damage.  That may never been in 1 of my posts or it may be in a future post.  I just cannot fathom right now what I was told over the weeeknd by a family member.  It is really hard to digest.

I think that is it for posting today.  I will finish my Jeremiah story over the weekend or something.  I have another post to write about for Lent.  I love Lent and am really going to try and improve myself this year.